As my hair grows, it completely queers up my appearance. Coupled with my ever more feminine wardrobe of girl jeans, shirts, makeup and jewelry, I am finally putting the lie to my lifetime of forced, halfhearted masculinity.
Acquaintances are no longer recognizing me right away. I can make the homophobes squirm just by putting myself in their presence. I no longer feel a sense of isolation and disconnection from the fairer sex -- I'm often now grouped in with girls and we can gush over each other's outfits without me feeling the least bit self conscious.
Will it be enough? My height, swimmer's body and pretty-but-manly face will always scream dude from a mile away. As much as I'd love to, I'm just too butch to look good in dresses or other form fitting feminine attire, and I’ve decided against hormones etc.
But last night I went to a straight party dressed queer as a John Waters movie. And though I was still in (tight tight tight) jeans and t-shirt, I found myself being treated as more feminine than ever before.
I'm still so inhibited, so masculine-by-training. I feel a twinge of shame every time I let out my inner girl, and fight it out of habit. But I know that by the time my hair reaches the small of my back, and my lifelong series of boycuts finally comes to a close, I will have turned into the mostly feminine creature I’ve always felt myself to be. I hope only that the world that rushes to meet my mix-gendered self retains its warmth, and I can finally find a harmonious place within it.