I spent most of tonight’s meeting trying to think about what makes me mad. For the most part, I’m a pretty chill girl and it really takes a lot to get me going. Strange as it may seem, the people that make me the angriest are my friends, but it’s only because I value their friendship and opinions that they can affect me. I don’t get mad if I meet a stranger who says something I really don’t agree with- instead I just decided that they are an ignorant person and simply not worth anymore of my time.
But, while I was riding the el back I did get mad. I got mad at myself. I got mad at myself for not standing up when my values are offended, I got mad at myself for not caring enough about my values; I got mad at myself for not getting mad. And then I realized something that really got me mad: I’m scared of my trans identity. Whenever I’m at the meetings I always have something to say, but I never do. It’s not because you guys are scary or transpeople in general are scary, but because, deep inside, some part of me is still frightened of the trans identity. I always make excuses for why I never speak: I’m afraid I’ll offend someone, I’m afraid what I say won’t make sense, I’m afraid no one will identify with what I say, I’m afraid someone will think I’m ignorant, but I know those aren’t the real reasons. I’m fine talking to non-trans friends about transitioning, talking to therapists about it, and even people I just met! But when it comes to including myself in a community that I identify with, something about that is frightening.
So I thought about how to fix this. And I decided that I need to start by being true to my identity- defend it when its threatened, help it up when its down, and bring it soup when its sick. When the girl in the hallway tells me that she’s not talking to me because I’m a boy and a boy hurt her feelings and boys are stupid, I will politely tell her that I didn’t ask to be born one, don’t want to be one, and don’t consider myself one. The next time I see my therapist I will ask to be called Natalie instead of Nathan. And the next time I am at GQC I will ask to be called she, her, and hers… and I will most definitely speak my mind.
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