So a friend of mine came to visit, and I was telling her about my sexuality, so I though I'd post about it on here.
I mainly (at least lately) identify as pansexual. I'm been tossing out the term asexual every now and they because that is part of how I feel ... I don't know if it's big enough or whatever.
It's been 8 years since I've physically been with anyone. 8 years bascially, since I've really done something with someone and felt okay about it. All the other times (twice) were with somebody I slightly knew but wasn't in a relationship with and with myself. In all those times, I felt horrible afterwards. And noing even happened. A girl tried to give me a hand job in a theater once, but couldn't get me hard, let alone cum. I don't know if that's because I wasn't in a committed relationship with them(most likely a factor) but also because I go into a sort of depression post orgasm.
As long as I can remember, after orgasm, my body doesn't ... I don't know, calm down? My heart beat is still high, even 5 minutes afterwards, even though I don't feel anything anymore. And I end up hating myself, which doesn't help. And now since I've been on hormones for a year and a half, my orgasms last maybe 2 seconds and that's it. There's no distance anymore. And I don't release anything(which is good on a cleanup level) but ... It just seems like it's pointless. There's no pleasure. No sustanance.
And I've hated e male orgasm and never thought of it as an actual orgasm. I knew that female orgasms were somehow different, and enveloped the entire body and were earth shattering. And ... I never got that ... I got a few jerks in my groin and that was it. It never went through my entire body. It never moved. It was centered in my groin, if not outside my body down there. I hated it. I hated myself for masturbating. I hated receiving somewhat that was barely pleasure from my down there.
Ever since I was little, I knew I was different from boys and girls, but I didn't know what it was. I though girls had penises too. And eventually they would become vaginas (once I saw porn and saw that women didn't have penises). And the only thing I could specifically label and knew, is that I wanted a vagina. I knew that I wanted to pee sitting and didn't care for the idea of peeing standing. I wanted an orgasm. An actual orgasm. I wanted to bleed. I wanted a female down there. But that's all I knew. That's all I could put into words/label.
I never did have sex. Partially because I always wanted to wait until marriage and in one really big relationship of mine ... my partner lost their virginity to someone else and got pregnant. And so I just started to associate sex with betryal. I get uncomfortable when people talk about sex. I worked with rape victims. And I hated my own sex and desires for sex. I only got in relationships with people online, so sex would never be a possibility. And I still feel that way. When a close friend of mine (who I already knew had a baby) mentioned something referring to her having sex, I started feeling really bad, like I was betrayed.
When I think of myself with a vagina, I don't know if I'd even be comfortable with my down there sexually ... I think of vibrators and I still feel uncomfortable. I know I want one more than anything, but ... I don't know if I'd even be comfortable using it for anything sexually. Even with boy parts, aside from two girls trying to give me hand jobs, nobody has ever done anything down there. And even as it is, I don't think I'd want anybody too. And as for somebody else's down there ... I don't know. I've never been with somebody who had a penis. And when I think about interacting with a vagina, I jump to the conclusion that I like(d) it. But when I think back ... I don't remember if I ever got pleasure from it. The last girls I gave oral to, I don't remember receiving any pleasure what so even. I remember being slightly turned on from them being naked/semi naked ... But that's it. I still felt horrible after the experience. And never did anything else with them again.
So there's part of me that's 100% content with not doing anything with somebody's or my own down there. I don't know (at least not since I started hormones) if I'd even be comfortable doing something to somebody's down there. I just ... I don't know ... There's part of me that's disgusted at the idea ... But I don't know ... If we'd get to a point where we'd be super comfortable with eachother ... I don't know ...
And then there's the part of me that loves holding hands and cuddling and kissing and biting and hickies. And kissing still turns me on more than anything. And I miss that ... And still want it ... And I've still never had anything done to my boobs, so I don't even know how I'd be with somebody with my upper half. *shrugs* And I don't know enough about being asexual ... To know whether or not I really am ... Or how/if being in a loving committed relationship would effect me ... *sigh* and I want that ... And I want to be with someone ... But ... I don't want to not be able to fulfill them ...