Friday, April 27, 2012

On being a “Dyke/Fag”

Originally posted by blickblocks

So, while I’m not concerned about “appropriating” gay cis men’s term “fag”, I have been concerned about stepping on the toes of queer trans men in my life lately.

Growing up I definitely did identify as a boy. A boy who wished they could be a girl. Specifically a tomboy (I sucked at athleticism, but tomboys could be geeky nerdy introverts too!). I didn’t really identify with any normatively gendered/sexually oriented men or women adults back then, but I always did gravitate towards depictions of feminine men and masculine women who tended to be gay and lesbian. Gay men were always shown as being sassy, smart, popular, creative, and beautiful. Lesbians were shown as honest, hardworking, strong, charming, and independent. I wanted to be all of these things! I like to think that who I am today is very much in line with these positive archetypal characteristics, although you probably want to throw in a bit of awkward (maybe charming awkwardness? I can hope).

In terms of my sexual attractions, genitalia has never been a big thing for me, I don’t really care much either way what someone has down there. I’m really attracted to femme women, butch women, genderqueer/nonbinary people of all expressions, and fem men. The thing that makes my use of the term fag questionable is that I really am an mtf transsexual. If there were an option that didn’t involve expensive, complicated, and health endangering surgery, I would totally want a normative FAAB body. I want that so bad it hurts. Right now I just have a very androgynous body from being MAAB and being on hormones for the past 4 years. It’s frustrating having the body I was born into. At the same time, it’s liberating being able to pass as one binary gender or the other depending on what clothes I wear, or how I cut my hair. Not everyone who is genderqueer is able to pass as androgynous, I suppose that’s a passing privilege in itself (at least within queer communities).

Anyways, so if I was FAAB, and didn’t identify as a man, what right would I have to call myself a fag? I never identified as gay even as a MAAB person. When I told my parents I was trans* in high school they didn’t believe me, and my mom said she thought I was just gay and in the closet about it. They didn’t believe that I was primarily attracted to women and female people (why would someone transition if they would become queer?). Being out as trans* and letting myself express a less binary gender has let me open myself up to being attracted to men and male people, but to me this is anything but heteronormative sexuality. When I’m out with my best friend I like that people don’t know whether we’re a pair of dykes or a pair of fags. I think this might be partly why I’m always so attached to visibly queer and gender nonconforming folks in my life.

Dyke/Fag: I guess I sorta feel like I’m asking for my cake and eating it too.

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