Sunday, June 17, 2012

Hindsight is 20/20

I spent most of my childhood, out as a boy. Although, I had a girls body, that didn't stop me from expressing myself as the boy I truly was inside. I was considered just a tom boy by most all of the people around me, but none of them had any idea the waters ran much deeper than that.


When I was in grade school, I would often be approached by other children with the question "Are you a boy or a girl?" I loved these moments because even at an early age the thought of being a boy excited me, and that others saw me as a boy was even more so.

As I grew up and started developing, I worked even harder for that masculine image. I started binding regularly by age ten and trying to pass as a boy in most of my day to day life among people who didn't know me. I longed to be included in my older brother's social circles, feeling that I was a boy the same as all of them and wanted to do all the same boy activities. I developed a lot of simular interests to that of my brother and his friends to gain acceptance to that exclusive boys club they seemed to have formed for themselves.

As a teenager I struggled with my sexuality, while still feeling my deep seeded masculinity. I was confused about my feelings toward girls wondering to myself "Am I a lesbian?" and when I told that girl I'd been in love with for years how I felt about her, she responded with "I'm sorry but I'm straight", to which I replied in my head "But I'm a guy."

In my early to mid-twenties I still thought of myself very much as that boy I had always been, although I didn't as actively express my feelings outwardly as I had done in the past. Upon getting a job at GNC I discovered a different side of my masculinity, through health, fitness, and body building. I used to research the nutrition and science involved in body building and longed to be like the men I read about in the books I sold on the subject. This is also where I met my beautiful wife, who taught me about being transgendered, and that there was such a thing as being born in the wrong body. It is because of her, (and other influences) that I am the man, I am today.

What are some of the ways you have known throughout your life that something, wasn't quite right? How did you learn about transsexuality and that transitioning was an option? How did you decide transitioning was right for you? For those of you who are simply Gender Queer, when did you realize you didn't identify within the gender binary, and how are you living your lives today to match your gender identity?

Written by Malcolm Cameron Aschebrook-Kealiher


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