I
spent most of my childhood, out as a boy. Although, I had a girls body, that
didn't stop me from expressing myself as the boy I truly was inside. I was
considered just a tom boy by most all of the people around me, but none of them
had any idea the waters ran much deeper than that.
When
I was in grade school, I would often be approached by other children with the
question "Are you a boy or a girl?" I loved these moments because
even at an early age the thought of being a boy excited me, and that others saw
me as a boy was even more so.
As
I grew up and started developing, I worked even harder for that masculine
image. I started binding regularly by age ten and trying to pass as a boy in most
of my day to day life among people who didn't know me. I longed to be included
in my older brother's social circles, feeling that I was a boy the same as all
of them and wanted to do all the same boy activities. I developed a lot of
simular interests to that of my brother and his friends to gain acceptance to
that exclusive boys club they seemed to have formed for themselves.
As
a teenager I struggled with my sexuality, while still feeling my deep seeded
masculinity. I was confused about my feelings toward girls wondering to myself
"Am I a lesbian?" and when I told that girl I'd been in love with for
years how I felt about her, she responded with "I'm sorry but I'm
straight", to which I replied in my head "But I'm a guy."
In
my early to mid-twenties I still thought of myself very much as that boy I had
always been, although I didn't as actively express my feelings outwardly as I
had done in the past. Upon getting a job at GNC I discovered a different side
of my masculinity, through health, fitness, and body building. I used to
research the nutrition and science involved in body building and longed to be
like the men I read about in the books I sold on the subject. This is also
where I met my beautiful wife, who taught me about being transgendered, and
that there was such a thing as being born in the wrong body. It is because of
her, (and other influences) that I am the man, I am today.
What
are some of the ways you have known throughout your life that something, wasn't
quite right? How did you learn about transsexuality and that transitioning was
an option? How did you decide transitioning was right for you? For those of you
who are simply Gender Queer, when did you realize you didn't identify within
the gender binary, and how are you living your lives today to match your gender
identity?
Written by Malcolm Cameron Aschebrook-Kealiher